Monday, September 19, 2011

Epiphany Part II: The aftermath

So if you missed it last week, you can click here to read Part I of this series, which I refer to as "The Accident".

Each Monday I'll be sharing with you a Kristi ramble about everything I went through and the things I've learned, so I hope you'll join me on my rambling journey!

The Aftermath: What I never expected from the accident was the emotional effect it would have on me in the days to come, the impact and control it would have over my life.

I remember snuggling up to my husband when we finally arrived home the night of the accident, with only hours to sleep before we needed to be up. I sobbed uncontrollably--the shaking your whole body type of crying that leaves you, you would think, worn out. Not me. I cried myself into non-sleep.

For those of you that are new to the blog or don't already know--I am a self admitted control freak. It comes with insane and obsessive characteristics that show themselves at the strangest of times. Like then. I couldn't shut my brain off. It replayed the scene over and over, trying to make sense of it all. The dangerous what-ifs that I tried not to think about ran through my mind anyway. After two hours and some seriously puffy eyes, I got up and took some Nyquil in an effort to get a few hours before the wedding.

At this point, I thought the emotional journey was over. That I'd gone through the bout of emotion that was probably normal for the circumstances and I'd be moving on.

I was wrong.

The wedding was fantastic. It was gorgeous and happy and everything a wedding should be, with the best of family and friends. The accident was a distant memory, out of sight and out of mind.

What I wouldn't realize until later was that it was just a momentary distraction.

Once my Dad and sister were gone and my husband was at work, I found myself alone with my thoughts, just myself and my son and an obsessively clean house. I did everything I could to distract myself but it wasn't enough. I broke down. Bad. More sobbing, chest heaving tears that I couldn't control. My mother got a spastic phone call. I hated myself. I was stronger than this, independent. I didn't understand why I couldn't just get past it and move on.

Epiphany #2 ~ Not everything is controllable.

The accident happened on a Friday night but it would be Monday afternoon before I'd get just what I needed to be able to move on and put it all behind me, but that's next week's ramble, titled "Moving on".

What about you? Are you a control freak too? Ever had anything that made you feel weak and insignificant, even if it didn't make sense?

4 comments:

  1. Total control freak--not in everything, but when it comes to the safety of my children, absolutely. It's nightmarish just to think of something happening to your child, or even to you and leaving them behind. An accident like that is like showing just how little control you have over your fate and that of your child's. It's hard to accept that.

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  2. I hope you got help to sort it all out. You were suffering post traumatic stress. Glad you're better now and that you all walked away from the crash.

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  3. Carolina - GIRL, your two comments made my week. They meant more to me than you probably realize! (Further proof that the blogging community is full of amazing people...not that I didn't ALREADY know that about you!) But hearing from another mother who went through something this traumatic is kind of special. HUGS to you!

    Mary - Can you believe this is actually the FIRST time I've considered that's what was happening? (Even while writing the post, never occurred to me.) Of course I've heard about PTS before. Guess our brains don't think in those terms when we're going through something like this ourselves, but probably easy to see from the outside. Thanks so much for your comment and support! Means so much. :P

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  4. This makes me want to bear (((HUG))) you! I'm so sorry you went through that!

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